just for now

the end of the month has come and i have to say, it's turned out fairly well. let's see: i've taken a few night swims, played silly games at an arcade, taken pictures on a playground, seen one of the best films i've seen in a long time (inception), had my bagel eaten by a dog and done just a tad bit of traveling to see my grandparents- which involved interesting conversation and tales i never knew. coming in august? well, a fascinating salvador dali exhibition comes to the museum, i'm headed to california to taste wine and surf the waves, reading authors such as jack kerouac and hunter s. thompson...and perhaps a trip to water world, the weather is sizzling, after all. 

but right now, i have to admit that i'd rather time just stop. have you ever had those moments? everything seems to fit, and yet a camera is just not savvy or wide enough to capture it. that's about how it feels right now. oh, of course, who wants anything to stay the exact same forever? no one. but if there was a way to make a moment last, hold onto it's goodness, i suppose that is what i would wish for right now. 

i suppose it is these moments that i become most introverted and contemplative. it is in these moments that i find myself formulating and in such a way that rests. whatever my thoughts, no matter their count, seem to come and go at ease. ideas are able to become just a little clearer and i can grasp how to approach the next movement i make. it is not confusing- it just is- and the contentment is just there. there is no worry of what action i will jump to- i'm not thinking about that part.

richard rohr says, "contentment is from within...not expecting the future to be any different than it is right now." 

and i would have to say, "yeah, it's like that..."

proper religion, part 2

in time past: when did it become the norm for religious thinkers to impose their interpretation of their religion on the politics they practice? this is not to say that a man's personal persuasions will never influence his political vote or view, and that's fine~ but to turn away from the heart of love in order to force others into that persuasion is as dark as the sin they claim punishable by law or persecution. 

but let me be more clear: when addressing the cause of christ's life: one must be fully aware that he never involved himself in the political upheaval of his day. rather; he reached the heart of the people, on a deeply personal level- that they would know love. what's more, is everyone that encountered him- had a choice to receive him or not. no one was forced. and everyone was forgiven. he walked a mile in the shoes of all, and still he loved without prejudice. 

i believe we are living in a time, like the catholic charasmatic renewal, 30-some years ago, where the face of religion is expanding once again. i believe we are in a generation that is seeing and approaching God above with new eyes and new discoveries. this does not mean that those who would follow their evangelical traditions more closely are wretched people, nor does it mean that their traditions are wrong- they are not! but - there is a generation that is finding that God is more than the big band and the cliq of the mega church- it is a generation that is expounding on the purposes of heaven in the coffee shop, in the streets, over a bbq, or even over smoking a pipe and sharing photographs. 

the hands and feet of jesus are desperate to be in the earth, not in the church the building. they are desperate to care for the earth, be among nature and find God in all that he creates, not just what is mandated by the church, which is run by men's interpretations. not only so, but the expansion and value for social justice in the earth has exploded- and this, i believe is right and good. this is the compassion that is necessary and desired by the One who established the universe.

it is the renewal of a faith and a discovery of a generation. by no means is it intended to harp on the previous generations findings, but it must be allowed- and to those who oppose- let it be. this generation only wants to "go into all the world..."

"at least i'm living"

"i have  to have something so that when i don't have any ideas and i'm not getting anywhere, i can say to myself, "at least i'm living; at least i'm doing something; i'm making some contribution." - it's just psychological." --richard p. feynman 

or is it? in most cases, i think the answer is yes- both/and or perhaps non of the above. confused? don't be.

in the society we live in today, boredom is not acceptable. the buzz of everyday life is prevalent to one's worthiness that it's self depressing when we're not doing anything- that is to say- a little contemplation and peace of mind is down right --a crime. and it should not be. why? because it is vital and necessary. we all need to "re-charge" and burning out is never a profitable feeling.

however- letting the world pass us by when we could making an impact is just as great of a misfortune. and it can be just as much a self-loathing experience when one finds themselves bitter and grave toward the world- offering nothing- and not recognizing the power within them to give something.

"it was effortless. it was easy to play with these things. it was like uncorking a bottle: everything flowed out effortlessly. i almost tried to resist it! there was no importance to what i was doing, but ultimately there was. the diagrams and the whole business that i got the noble prize for came from that piddling around..." --richard p. feynman

my friends, i believe that when we realize just who we are- and just what our capacity truly is- nothing is impossible. what's more is that when we find something we're sincerely passionate about and when we let go of the worry of trying to please everybody, the work itself becomes effortless and we are able to accomplish great things, even if we think it's just a little "messing around." in some form it can and will contribute to the world.

between the first and last sentences of that chapter: feynman explained that he had faced a time while at cornell university where, frankly, he was burnt out. and the offers he was getting from other colleges were daunting, particularly because they were expecting something of him, he did not think, he could truly provide. nevertheless; he realized that he couldn't worry about living up to their expectations that truly, he just wanted to "play" with physics. by this: his enjoyment and passion for what he did returned.

i find his process inspiring. certainly there are times when we all feel stuck in a rut. but rather than sitting idle and frustrated, not to detract from times of needed rest, why not "piddle" around and just see what beautiful things pour out of us? it just might make a difference ...all the way around.

...a mantra: a series in water, 2

proper religion - part 1

last week, i sat with my grandfather (pa-pa) as he recounted stories to me about the catholic charismatic renewal in the 1970s. he and my grandmother were at the center of it in lima, ohio and there were plenty of traditionalists that did not approve. but one story struck me more than the others- and that was his account of my other grandfather, bob gallagher (who has been gone for several years). pa-pa told me that while many traditionalists were unhappy at their group's charismatic exploration: mr. gallagher was the only one of them that was not. in fact, his comment was something along the lines of, "they only want to pray, leave them alone."

call me sentimental, but to hear one grandfather praise the other with such honor about a time that seemed to invite tension among church members, meant a great deal. 

it seems to me, over the centuries- that division, in the church, is often caused by self-agenda. every denomination and sect of christiantity (and it happens in most religions)- has it's own interpretation of the the scriptures and practices necessary to lead a holy life. diverging from means ridicule and condemnation. what most forget is that Jesus' invitation was to all and he never made it political. truly religion in the hands of man is corrupt. and i am a firm believer that each generation must decide for itself how to be the hands and feet of Jesus among it's own. that doesn't mean that one way is more perfect than the other, and one won't make mistakes. but i do believe that God wants every to explore him the fullest extent- which also means we must be receptive to where another person is, that we may not be- that is extend a heart of graciousness.

knowing that two groups of people in the same body were at such interrogating odds- is saddening. but it happened. as it did with martin luther and many other radicals over time in church history (against charismatic and evangelical sectors too) that have stood up against tradition. no, this is not to say that tradition is bad, it is not! and it can be comforting, uplifting, sentimental and welcoming.  but that does not mean change cannot happen for those in need of it. and it does not mean that a generation of people cannot explore the essence of their Creator in such a way that will move them, and sweep their peers toward higher and better in a life of Christ. 

i have one grandfather who did just that. and another who patiently stayed with what he knew all his life. and both are (were) men who gave everything they had to One who gave them a name. each came out on top as a  man who impacted his world, and accomplished great things in the earth- on the account of others to the Glory of Above. and to each, i say: thank you...

Certainly one of the highlights during my trip to state of Ohio was the morning photo-shoot I went out on with my cousin (and her boyfriend), who is from St. Louis. She is also a photographer and it was a unique to experience the sentiment of our home town. We headed down near St. John's Catholic church and explored the neighborhood, where frankly, there were a number of abandoned buildings and interesting corners to be the focus of our artistic sense. I was not only impressed with Meagan's eye, but also with how easy it was to capture her fun and captivating personality. It was definitely one of the most fun and engaging shoots I've been on. There is so much more to come.

stuffed

for hours, 12 to be exact, stuffed in a car...somebody, get me out. that's all i could think the last four hours, at the very least. don't get me wrong, i love road trips, always have. but the fact that i got little to no sleep the night before, didn't really make it easy to be curled up in a seat, craving the comfort of my own bed. not only that, but driving can be exhausting, even with energy springing from my toes pressing the pedal. i suppose what i am most grateful for, despite the discomforts, was the company- a few good laughs, an audio book and interesting conversation. it made the car ride worth the exhaustion. and of course, the ability to shower, eat well and pass out after. it's true, sheer driving gives no great room for deep thought, but certainly it gives way to a journey not explored. yes, even the same route can bring about new ideas and thoughts that were not experienced before. there is a learning experience to be had and each mile driven can lead to it in a way that was not done before. of course, then again, i was just glad to, finally, finish the "getting to"....my beauty zzz's are essential.

**all photos taken with camera phone: moto cliq with google 

(top- entering tn middle-indianapolis airport bottom- cincinnatti, oh)

trippy and loathing it

"And that, I think, was the handle - that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of old and evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply prevail. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark - that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back"

(raoul duke)

last night; my friend maggie took me to intermezzo cafe for a little celebration treat. this was the second time in a week that we'd been here, and ironically for a second turn, our conversation lead to effect that illegal drugs have on a person's brain. what began this most bizarre exchange was my mention that i had recently watched the "cult classic," if you can call it that- fear and loathing in las vegas. johnny depp's portrayal of hunter s. thompson - though called raoul duke in this instance- is rather cinematic to say the least and it was one film, that well, i was glad ended. not to say that the plot, nor the narration didn't hold any ground or message, but since the entire film is one big drug trip, interrupted by scenes of intense vomiting, it's safe to say that one viewing is enough for me. the fact is: i can handle guts and gore of a war film or perhaps a solid action flick, but vomiting, my friends? well, that's just where i draw the line. stomaching that- makes me want to hack it back up in regret.

nevertheless, the film gave interesting insight to man known for being a revolutionary in his own right, and i suppose, i could cross the line and say thompson was down right crazy. but he was known for participating, madly, in his stories. this called: gonzo journalism. not only so, but his extensive drug and alcohol use was common knowledge.

ironically the film plays out a journalist sent out on a story about a motorcycle race and he drags his friend and proclaimed attorney - the two ensue in an alternate world "adventure," if i dare say, that is seduced by lsd among other insane substances. the hallucinations are awkward and uncomfortable. and my friend, maggie, says to me: "that movie is my anti-drug." good thing, her stories are fascinating and wild enough without tales of 3d scaley lizards in a bar.

johnny depp's pose of the thompson character displays serious indignity. but i admit that the draw beyond this illicit man's brain had some perspective to offer in the run down of a dwindling movement 40 years ago. then again, has history repeated itself to the point where this film remake is testifying to a modern societal downturn in a failed utopian pursuit?

project homeless: chapter 1, the bridge

i had never been here before and i wasn't really sure i knew what i was doing. but i stepped through the hole in the fence, with richie following and headed toward the bridge. there were three men hanging over the wall, talking and looking out over the city. a fourth one approached. we introduced ourselves and i offered them our water-cliff bar & orange supplies. all of the men took several things from the bag and told me it would be ok to walk about and take pictures, which of course, they knew i was there for. it's not like my camera was hiding --hanging on my neck. 

three of them walked away as i started to inspect the area of a few good shots. lamar, stayed however, and we engaged in a fairly light-hearted conversation with him. he said he'd been on  the street for about a year. he never said why. he typically "hustled" during the day where-ever he could, but he also was consistent about finding plastic and trash to take to the local recycling center. he pointed out, on the train tracks where he was able to collect materials. 

his toothless grin was charming and richie entertained him while i walked off for a few minutes to examine their living quarters. there was no way to explain it except to say: trash was everywhere. the fine art of it all was the sleeping bags strewn across the bridge or perhaps a shirt or pants hanging over a box or a fence. moreover - there were "caves" built with old mattresses, boards, tarps, and blankets where each other them slept. they basically looked like the fort you made in your back-yard as a kid....but with more dirt and trash. these men were survivors. and these men were making the best of their current circumstances. 

one of the appeals, lamar told us, of this rustic place, was the view. the city shone on every side of them. and when the lights went out at night, it was rather spectacular. he even commented on how fascinating the fireworks were on the fourth of july. certainly this "house" had enough comfort to offer men who had no other place to rest. for the most part, he noted, the train was the only heavy noise that kept them awake, but i assume they also get used to it. 

the time spent, was well served, and well learned. what i captured, i cannot forget. and there will be more to think on as i keep working through the photos....more to come.....

a mantra

counting clouds

july, it's my favorite month of the year. summer is in full swing, it's the month that i was born and there is always an excuse to "take a dip." and right now, i'm just lingering. tonight, sitting by the pool, there are clouds in the sky, but i can still see the moon. the air is cool and comfortable. such a relaxed state of mind, i want to stay right where i am. it's true, i am no longer simply referring to the weather. my brain is on and i cannot stop trying to piece together the puzzles in my head. ironically, i am aware that i do not have all the pieces...

i have always had the ability to look ahead, to, at the very least, have an idea of what might be next and how i could prepare for "its" arrival. tonight, i can barely see past the next moment. and i don't know if it is a sense of awe that strikes me or a content confusion. oxymoron? probably- but the fact remains that i am having to learn what it means to live for today, for right now and thoroughly enjoy it, should "enjoyment" be the precarious necessity. and should the moment require sadness, then that too, must also be felt and understood. these are sacred things.

my hopes are with me. my emotions about them are with me. but my fears are with me too. nevertheless, in such a moment, they come and pass until one collected thought makes sense of them all. if i am behind, i can wake tomorrow to catch-up. if i am ahead, perhaps i can slow down. if i am un-nerved, there is nothing i can do about it now, so why let it swallow me whole?

do i believe what i am writing? there are moments i do. but in my humanity, there are moments i do not. nevertheless, i am accepting that the moments exist for me, for my perspective, for my character.