West Bound Road: A Series of Absurd Essays About A Journey to the Coast (2)

Fade In: Kin & Courting

Odd as it were; I had only just seen my cousin a couple of months ago. I had only met her a few times in my life. She was of the older clan of cousins we shared. But I'll never forget, she said, "I want you to come. I want you to be here." And when I arrived, she said, "Welcome home." I didn't have a clue what she meant. I shrugged it off and accepted a glass of wine. My friend and I would be sitting with the family for dinner, throwing - jokes and jabs-- with three little munchkins who fell into the quick rhythm of dry humor. It was like a backwards family reunion with kin, connected only by the past and by the fathers who grew up on opposite ends of an awkward Irish Catholic upbringing. Nevertheless, it was where I was to stay for the next few weeks as I got my feet wet and made the best of a nomadic attempt to hide underwater. 

My friend and I had driven six hours from Phoenix to L.A. - and frankly we were both done with driving for awhile, at least that's what I thought, but if you've ever been in L.A. traffic, you'd know it's a pain the ass and no one has time, but then again be prepared to take you're time because you'll be stuck bumper to bumper for a while. The brightest moment between the two cities was the lonely gas station just outside the California border that had gas for less than three dollars and personal pan pizzas that I don't think went well for either of us in the end. Needless to say, the ride was over - and she was leaving while I was to make my way on the west coast from now until...well, whenever. 

I settled back into a mode of thinking that ultimately was a robotic way communicating among family types that seems so easily familiar and quickly gave me room to forget the reason I had come in the first place or why I had left in such a hurry from the last place. It wasn't as if I were looking for anything in particular, except a job in a town where everybody's and actor and a waitress - and pressing their luck with plastic surgery to get into the industry. 

The friendliness was fake, of course, and the routine of every meeting I went into, I felt like I needed to have a song and dance ready for an audition, -- media skills and production just weren't what they were looking for and I swear my height was examined every time I applied at a restaurant -- or maybe I didn't show off enough cleavage? Who the hell knew, but what I figured out was that this wasn't meant to be easy, nor did I have the time. Deep down, I don't think that I had the stamina to stay in big bad L.A. where everybody is somebody even when they're nobody and knowing somebody is the key to everything. How far was So-Cal?

Every day I went out to the field, accepted an interview, filled out a million applications and asked for the head of who ever was in charge. And every day, I came up empty. Blasted all. Then again, where was that guy that called himself Eric, with a successful media production company out of Georgia and California who had promised me a freelance gig editing material for various clients and when I showed up, he never did. No emails, no return phone calls and that promised meeting never came to pass. I had heard rumors about him that he was flakey and really just a jack-ass, and he wasn't proving them wrong. But I didn't have time for him, so I gave up and haggled with my other sources. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I had to find it. I was determined, I'd figure it out, at least that's what I told myself to get through the day. 

Meantime, I was doing my best to go to football games, cook dinner and offer anything I could to earn my keep. It was a full house and it was bustling all the time. Four children from age 3 to 19 - it was like a scene out of a Roadrunner cartoon, only with more characters passing each other day and night with feet that looked like faded circles; they were spinning so fast. Often the dinner table was the one moment where everything was calm and gentle laughter bounced off the walls of the kitchen. 

Then again, there the awkward moments of parents disciplining children or perhaps a flustered phrase that exceeded the normal levels of conversation and on such occasions, as I was not the subject for any of the loud noises, I escaped to the room I was given and tried to preoccupy my mind, not remembering I had left months of arguing behind. The safety of that small space was the only place I could go and certainly my own mind wasn't a blank sheet of paper anymore, it was over run with words and phrases and pictures and ideas that honestly weren't actually going anywhere. They were just there and I was not here, for I left here and fled into there, - the crazy was too complicated to really put down, only because the phrases on paper were too simple to really define what was going on in my mind. 

The weeks were passing quickly and it was almost Thanksgiving  - almost a month and I was ready to move on. One tried to convince me that I would not make it in LA, let alone California at all, another told me my decision to leave behind a steady paycheck and benefits was the stupidest decision I could have made and if I ever came back, I'd better be ready to commit, while still the days I was spending at my cousin's were growing weary for me, for her, for all. I was exhausted, I was very grateful and I was ready to be on my own. 

There was still no job offer on the table and I had accepted the fact that I didn't really want to be in a city where I was expected to compete with everyone I met on the street. San Diego looked promising and so I worked my way down for interviews and scouting. Would it work out? Hell if I knew, I was just ready to be somewhere a little more chill and a little less busy. This west coast thing was becoming a burden and LA was starting to feel like where I had come from. I was suffocating. Gotta go, new place, new space.

I was wearing thin...

Nostalgia

I have never been to New York City - and now more than ever - I want to go. I dare say, a part of me has always wanted to see "America's City," but since 9/11 ten years ago, I have had a more urgent reason to see this place for which hatred dared to try and destroy.

I remember where I was that day - in a classroom in Kansas City, the middle of the US, watching a grown man cry, classmates express anger, sorrow and weeping. I remember sitting there bewildered and zealous. It was a like a whirlwind had stung the room and I kept wondering, "what's next?"

Hatred lost that day. 

Since then: The world has changed. I have changed. And so has everyone I know. As we've heard the stories, watched families grieve and as a country come together against extremists, there is one thing that remains vital: fear cannot stand for long. This year in particular, the Middle East, in my opinion, is reminding us of just that- dictators are fleeing and this generation is demanding change, peace, love, grace, equality, humanity.

We have a rare opportunity to come together again. This time, in far greater unity than we've ever known. As every news channel runs memorial specials and documentaries discussing the politics and reminding us of what happened ten years ago -- remember who you were then and know who you are now. The greatest hope for change isn't a Black President or a group of Tea Partiers making their way into Congress. Hope for change doesn't come in numbers or statistics. The greatest hope for change is humility. When we realize everything we can do better tomorrow for someone else and when we realize the privilege we have to live limitless and band together for the greater good: change-happens. The world gets a little brighter.

In the end: hatred loses, love wins, grace is found - and we're making the difference. 

back to the earth: part 4 -

may it was the war cry of the misty edwards song going through my head. maybe it was the crashing waves chasing me to shore. maybe it was the sound of nature speaking to my soul - or just maybe it was all of the above. 

but there was a moment, a moment of confidence and settlement in my heart. it was one i needed and if it only lasted for that moment, i was grateful for it.

it was a steady beat that set my steady gaze upward, right where it needed to be. the rocks cried out behind me - the sun shone warmth on my face and the chill of the water soothed the singe of my mind. 

something greater. 

more spectacular. 

another chapter. 

comes to Life. 

this is what it is about: the greatest of these? is love...in every aspect, of every definition. "this is who i am//this is who i'll be//and that settles it"

sometimes? that's all that need be said. 

back to the earth: part 3

that one moment...

sitting by the ocean in la jolla the other night, i shared a moment with the waves and with a friend.

i was in awe at how many times the clash of the water against the rocks created a "boom" underneath where i was sitting. it was fascinating, nature's way of communicating beauty through obstruction ~ so we agreed. it was if the water showed clemency to the land, halting its gentle flow, creating splash - keeping our awe, wonder and fear abreast.

why would anyone want to know how the waves work? he asked me. i had no answer, because truly the mystery was beyond us both. nevertheless, the speech we received commanded our attention and again, i was drawn to something truly magnificent. 

broken things moved on, his grand finale left a quiet in his soul...at least for the moment.

on this night, there was no need  for commentary. it just existed

back to the earth: part 2

as it was...

"the stones will cry out."

it was the first thought that crossed my mind as i stared at the fallen rocks all around me. imperfect formation and seemingly in the way, but nevertheless: my perspective felt flawless. i had hiked through tall grasses, brush, and dirt - only to come to a landscape of rocks that i had to climb over just to see a picturesque waterfall, a rushing creek...the destination of my journey.

the sun had grown quite warm and my skin welcomed the cool breeze in the air. slipping off my tennis shoes and stretching out my legs, i breathed in and out deeply, peacefully taking in the scene. and all i could find in my soul was that even the rocks reflected a Majestic Origin.

while the phrase refers to a rebuke made at self-righteous leaders, it is a reminder of the very Spirit behind all that is.

i was enthralled by stepping stones to the very rock i was perched on. the spring waters sprayed delicately over stones that dared stand in the way. it reminded me - even these were Created with purpose and pose. the green grasses and seaweed coming out of their crevices was a sign of beauty and life...exceeding limitations.

and then i realized...

"knowledge of season lit his face//but he seemed restless//what he said almost made sense//but from a distance."

there was something spiritual about this place, the quiet affirmation of worship. it was an awe of expression, a union of strength and beauty. the power of this position is more than words could express. it is the sound of the rushing stream, a fresh perspective -- complicated, gorgeous, surrounded by stone. i was taken by a foundation of the transition, evident changes, rocks that had fallen. 

((back to the earth: part 1))

back to the earth: part 1

as it began-

"back to the earth," he said.

 

it's a phrase that is resonating with me every time i repeat it and ever since my friend said that's what he was looking for. of course, at the time, he was initially referring to the pictures he wanted to me take for his photo shoot. and i can imagine that the connection of something greater than himself was a stake....something, yes, outside my own pretenses.

 

the earth...is the sum of it's parts.

 

and then it came-

 

at 1am, on the way to work, i diverted my route and decided to grab a chai from a local coffee shop, the only one open 24 hours...and i met frank. while he made my tea, i noticed an exquisite tattoo of the virgin madonna on his left arm and below, a celtic cross. in the course of conversation i learned that he was raised catholic. while he rarely, if ever attends mass anymore: he still goes to confession. it's not quite the obligation, he told me, there was just...something about it.

how fascinating...

and so i find -

the two are coinciding. it is in the state of confession, prostate in the presence of the earth: each hold the spirit of their Creator. 

breathed into life.

spoken into existence. 

it is a communion. for what is confession but nothing more than the soul surrendering to the spirit? and if that Spirit is in all that is, could it not be possible to surrender back to the earth? the origin of form, where it is we come from. in doing so: the Creator then rightly reclaims what belongs to Him. 

my soul. 

my gaze. 

my fascination.

going back to the earth renders my confession, my admittance of weakness, that i may be strong again. 

to be continued....

a mantra

moving on

i've certainly been lax on blog writing since the start of this new year. and i've been thinking about how i want to formulate it this year, what changes there will be, or what might stay the same. certainly, i plan on reading more than i did in 09, and my thoughts on my readings will still follow.

but i as i progress my life this year, my learning and where i am headed, i think it's important that i reflect that. with my attentions focused on photography, film and music: my journey through those will be noted. there will be moments of journalistic creativity and perhaps a lesson learned to come. nevertheless, i don't intend my writings to be the same as they've been, which in my mind has been on a plethora or topics and varied too often.

i sincerely hope that you'll come with me.

Perfect Silence

"Prayer is sitting in the silence until it silences us, choosing gratitude until we are grateful, praising God until we ourselves are a constant act of praise"
~Richard Rohr

What silences you this Christmas? What stills your mind? What forces you attention so much so, that you are rendered speechless?

The season is at hand and in the last 24 hours, any sign of restless has ceased to exist. Oh, sure, it's the season to be busy...but what is busy but the insane commercial promotion of a beautiful holiday?

It doesn't need to be filled with gifts, but rather people- those that you love the most and perhaps even those you don't. It doesn't need to be overwhelming, instead, let it be a time to slip away from the daily stresses that grab our attention so much more easily than silence.

Yes, the noise of our work places, our phones, our challenges can seem so loud. But maybe just perhaps....instead, think on things, or go out and do the things that bring joy to life: hug your child, give the poor, smile once more in the day, keep in mind that the beauty of this holiday, is more about how we give ourselves than what we receive from others. The very meaning of this holiday is of course, that we were given- the greatest gift of all from One that loves us most, LIFE.

Let silence be a way of life. End this year, start the next in a life of gratifying rest-- that your life may display all that it was created to be.

Living Beyond Thinking

"We do not think ourselves into a new way of living. We live ourselves into new way of thinking. Without action and lifestyle decisions, without concrete practices, words are dangerous and largely illusory" ~Richard Rohr

We dream of what we will be, we waste away thinking into existence without ever taking one step forward.

It seems to me that so many people believe that life is supposed to fall into their lap, and that includes Christian people. "The Lord's Will" is a common mystical phrase when needing an excuse for their not going after life to the fullest! Others use the idea that God will change their mind when referring to their current miserable job. How unfortunate!

I am firm believer, not only in personal choices and responsibility, but in the very idea that God has planted gifts, talents, abilities and more importantly: goals and dreams in our hearts and minds to seek out, to accomplish!

No, I'm not saying that we shouldn't trust Him in our difficulty or that we won't be led in a direction that challenges us or we that we should throw away our livelihood. BUT, I AM saying that I see no harm, in seeking to be all that we are created to be and to the greatest capacity. And that requires: action.

It goes against Rene Decartes' philosophy "I think therefore I am." We must live out who are because waiting around for a life-changing audible voice isn't going to get us anywhere.

"If you don't have a clear sense of your passion, dream or calling, then try everything. Be daring, try new adventures, broaden your worldview and build relationships" ~Cara Davis (Relevant Magazine)

I recently read an article in the mentioned online magazine about a generation of 20-somethings going after what they believe they are meant to do. While many of the responses to the article were encouraging, there were a couple, however, that just could not see fit to find that pursuing or discovering one's passion as a Godly thing to do. And frankly, I find that odd. There were even a couple of people older than their 20s and thought that it didn't pertain to them because it didn't call on the 30s+ for examples.

Again, I reiterate: having a dream is amazing thing. But we have to be willing to take it one step further and go after it- it may require hard work, sacrifice, but it will be the one thing we love, the one thing that drives us and it will take us far from having an average state of being.

Of course, too, I think it goes beyond the 20-somethings. I think there are 30, 40 & 50-somethings who may find their lives not what they expected to be, and feel they've never gone after the one thing they're passionate about. And they should do it. You never to old and you're never to young start. Stop thinking about it. Go for it.

Change your thinking into living. Get out of that emotional rut by making choices that will take you to the next level of all that you're meant to be and do. Be the greatest creation on Earth. It's worth it.

Postcards Changing the World

I have, before, spoken of the strength behind confession. I even talked about the mediums in the modern world in which people are able to find company and overcome. Recently, Relevant Magazine discussed Frank Warren, the founder and creative inventor of Post Secret.

Warren's newest Post Secret book covers the cry for spirituality from those who send him postcards. The title: Confessions of Life, Death & God display the questions, fears and admissions of people who are seeking a sense of deep spirituality ~ and desire for answers. As Warren travels and talks about the book, he mentions that this series of confessions show both the "selfishness" and the "selflessness of our spiritual selves." How ironic is it that as a people, we feel more comfortable pouring out in a piece of artwork to a stranger and yet only "fine" is acceptable in our churches and Warren says, our communities.

Nevertheless as the Post Secret project continues on, it does create an incredible way for people to connect and know that they're not alone, which when suffering, dreaming, and exploring -we all crave to know.

A Time for Everything

As fall approaches I am aware of the season's change. About a week and a half ago, walking along the water's edge; I spent a few moments reflecting what's been on my mind as well as the things coming. My toes sunk underneath the sand and the ocean waves seemed reassuring. I couldn't help but smile. What I thought about, what I prayed about was peaceful, exciting, thrilling and perfect.

I have spent some time reviewing the places on my heart to visit by way of humanitarian aid this year. While there are places all over the world I want to visit, to see, to study or to photograph, there are some that I just want to go with the intention of bring a sense of life and social justice.

There is definitely a change in the air coming, and I welcome it. The rest of the week was peaceful and I was grateful for the rest and comfort of the waves day and night for a week.

meant to be

and so this is why we stand

whenever we fall
that we may become
all that
yes that
which we're meant
meant to be

and so now sing
stand, rise
c'mon now -today
is the day
a day for you
to what
you're meant to be

what you believe
just isn't so
it's so much
very different
than all
all you've known isn't
what you're meant to be

mistakes you make
can turn all
all the way around
just stand
and find that this
what you're meant
yeah...meant to be ...

change it up
this is
you and me
it's all that we
are supposed to be
standing here
as we. are. meant. to. be

Waiting on Africa with Beans & Cookies

What is her name?
You ask, what? why?
it's a poor unfortunate soul!
No, what is her name?
for she is one - one that will change the world
and today
I will save her life.

There is a people we must recognize. It is those that have less than we do in this great country. It is those that have even less in other countries around the world. And who are we not give? Who are we not to fight for those that cannot fight for themselves?

I believe this is a day to change the world. And are you ready?

The last two weeks have been eventful to say the very least. First off, I learned of a group called "Take it to the Streets." Their goal is to reach their local community in Charleston, South Carolina. They have out-reach events for inner-city children, neighborhood missions and prayer.

Another group I learned of was the Dream Center in downtown Los Angeles. It is head up by Matthew Barnett and they are truly doing amazing things on the streets of LA. They took over an old hospital and have a wing or floor dedicated to so many groups of people- some consist of former drug addicts, others former prostitutes, others....children of crack addicts who have no healthy environment to thrive in. Ironically, there are now other Dream Centers popping up- in New York, Charleston and others.

Finally the Kenya team, I mentioned in a previous blog, returned. They took goats to a village, provided health care, and ministered to hurting people. From what little I know so far, it was amazing. Over the next several weeks, the team photographer will be editing and sharing the life changing pictures from the trip. I, personally, look forward to hearing their stories.

All this to say that I believe it to be so important to remember how each one of us are blessed and that it is the intention of God above for us to turn around and share it w/ others...

Iran Mourning

"A voice is heard.....weeping and great mourning,...weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more." Matthew 2

And so cries in the night were heard in Iran.- The following is a video that that was recorded. There is a woman's voice behind it and a translation at the bottom of the screen. I cannot confirm the translation or the video. But it gives me chills.
I pray for them. It appears to have been shot Friday night.

-ution

what is it?

a shift, 

a violent overtaking

the tearing down of one system

implementing another

how it rallies

people, hearts and minds

from one social system,

school of thought

to another 

by the people,

for the people

in place of another power

this is revolution.

My Weekend Headliners...

--Tucker Carlson of MSNBC wrote a brilliant article on why Jon Stewart isn't funny anymore. Check it out.

--Rockville, CA is the webisode show by Josh Shwartz (The OC, Gossip Girl). The plot moves quick, but the bands make for good music and the characters are identifyable.

--Kings is an intriguing show broadcasted on NBC. It is a loose interprutation on the life of David in a modern setting. I'm interested in following it, more out of curiousity than anything. You can watch it on Hulu.com.

--I have begun posting pictures of Salon Modello. I did their photo shoot a few weeks ago and the photos are turning out beautiful. You can see them on my Flickr page..

--And Battlestar Galactica (yes, you heard me right) ended it's final show with a bang. Loose ends for the plot and the characters were tied up fairly well. There were a lot of great mini monologues at the end discussing the very aspect of human nature and even spirituality.

A Picture of My Brain...Lately

Man's Wreckless Reason...

I have, as of late, been reading The Essay of Man by Alexander Pope. The four-epistle poem is a tale of mankind. It is Pope's observation of the enlightenment period. He lived during a time when the world was emphasizing Reason rather than utilizing the Church's direction. The composition of his work notes that human beings edified themselves like gods. They gave to self love. And certainly while the time period may have come with any number of successful ideas or accomplishments, the approach was very self satisfying, at least in Pope's perspective. The following passages are from his poetic prose-

"This light and darkness in our chaos join'd,
What shall divide?
The God within the mind...."
-- Alexander Pope, Essay of Man, Ep. 2--

"Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of mankind is man.
Plac'd on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great:
With too much knowledge for the sceptic side,
With too much weakness for the Stoic's pride,
He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
In doubt to deem himself a God, or beast;
In doubt his mind or body to prefer;
Born but to die, and reas'ning but to err;
Alike in ignorance, his reason such,
Whether he thinks too little or too much:
Chaos of thought and passion, all confus'd;
Still by himself abus'd or disabus'd;
Created half to rise, and half to fall;
Great lord of all things, yet a prey to all.."
--Alexander Pope, Essay of Man, Ep.2--

"Who, foe to nature, hears the gen'ral groan,
Murders their species, and betrays his own.
But just disease to luxury succeeds,
And ev'ry death its own avenger breeds;
The fury-passions from that blood began,
And turn'd on man, a fiercer savage, man."
--Alexander Pope, Essay of Man, Ep.3--

As I read these words I think - this was not a new phenomonon, it isn't now either. There is nothing new about it. BUT it is a series of passages written as a cry for a people to see the consequences of their selfish ways and it was written long after teachers of old did the same. The passages present the the problem and how mankind betrays himself when he sinks to the level that is below even that of creatures he is charge over. The essay is not a claim to return to the Church's demands of that time, rather to lay down the god of reason in their own lives. It's fascinating and thought provoking and beautifully communicated. Pope was not celebrated over this work. In fact he was highly criticized for it...having spoken out again mis-use of developing science, art, and theories of that time.

Ironically the poem, thus far, reminds me of a great lyricist today-

"Adam lives in theory
Trying to turn stone into bread
Masquerading like he got it figured out
Cut off from the sunshine, only smart in his own head
Leaving his descendants to hope and doubt
Left to his devices, those worth the sacrifices
Praying to the alter of himself
Making pilgrimages, thinking he's religious
Like he's got all the light, and no one else

He takes the unsuspected
Cause he knows they're not connected
And he shows them how to be just as he is
Virtually real, and commercially appealed
To the lust of all the people where he lives..."
--Lauryn Hill, Adam Lives in Theory, Unplugged--

Today, I wonder, while we are looking for new ways to move forward and improve the whole world through technology, taking care of "mother nature" or whatever it may be; will we call ourselves gods? Is it really about "improving the world" or improving our status? And what good will we do if these things become so much our obsession that we forget who we are, or our Creator or the purpose for which we were created? Perhaps this is a more accusatory or negative point of view, and later, I will discuss the other side of these issues...

But for now, what do you think when you read these passages?

"Quotatious" Thinking...