counting clouds

july, it's my favorite month of the year. summer is in full swing, it's the month that i was born and there is always an excuse to "take a dip." and right now, i'm just lingering. tonight, sitting by the pool, there are clouds in the sky, but i can still see the moon. the air is cool and comfortable. such a relaxed state of mind, i want to stay right where i am. it's true, i am no longer simply referring to the weather. my brain is on and i cannot stop trying to piece together the puzzles in my head. ironically, i am aware that i do not have all the pieces...

i have always had the ability to look ahead, to, at the very least, have an idea of what might be next and how i could prepare for "its" arrival. tonight, i can barely see past the next moment. and i don't know if it is a sense of awe that strikes me or a content confusion. oxymoron? probably- but the fact remains that i am having to learn what it means to live for today, for right now and thoroughly enjoy it, should "enjoyment" be the precarious necessity. and should the moment require sadness, then that too, must also be felt and understood. these are sacred things.

my hopes are with me. my emotions about them are with me. but my fears are with me too. nevertheless, in such a moment, they come and pass until one collected thought makes sense of them all. if i am behind, i can wake tomorrow to catch-up. if i am ahead, perhaps i can slow down. if i am un-nerved, there is nothing i can do about it now, so why let it swallow me whole?

do i believe what i am writing? there are moments i do. but in my humanity, there are moments i do not. nevertheless, i am accepting that the moments exist for me, for my perspective, for my character.